Friday, December 20, 2013

Rock Cricket Economics: The Dirt Bag Path to Wealth and Glory

Ever since moving out into the big bad world when I was nineteen, I have always found ways to survive on what little I had. Whether it be working 70 hour weeks and stealing sandwiches from my employer, or eating moldy bread and scrounging change off the sidewalk for cans of beans, I’ve always made my momma proud by not dying in the gutter… though I’ve come close to that too. The only thing I have never managed to do with a penny, other then eat it out of desperation, is save it.

Now I’m a bit older, and a bit wiser… well, no definitely not wiser, but I have more responsibilities. Such as paying bills and making sure I have enough for beer money when all is said and done. So I got to thinking about where all the money I’ve made has gone since I got my first job at 12 years old. Because, I sure as shit don’t have anything to show for it.

Instead of dwelling on the past though, I decided to move ahead and create a system for myself. A fail-safe way to save money. Sure enough, it turned out to be just about as fucked as anything else I’d ever done. As I expected though, it worked….

Here’s the idea:

First, deal only in cash. The commie teachers at the bank are out to get you, so don’t let them put their grubby little hands on your hard-earned bread. Second, it’s all about the Washingtons. Think back over your life time and ask yourself, “have I really ever bought anything useful with a one dollar bill?” I mean what are you going to buy with that thing in reality? A cup of coffee? A candy bar? Maybe a Brazzers trial membership?

Well I cut all that shit out and instead started chucking all the ones I accumulate throughout the day in a jar when I get home. Hell, I even throw a fiver in there when I’m feeling lucky. Now this may not seem very lucrative, but be patient grasshopper. Soon enough you can be raking in 25-50 bucks a week! You’ve got to be hard on yourself though. Under no circumstances do you touch your singles stash. They are now a sacred currency meant only for the finer things in life…such as climbing gear, Busch 30 racks and road trips.

I had been following this new regimen for about 4 months before moving to Norfolk with Ryan and had never really thought of telling anyone about it. Until one day Ryan walked into my room and saw hundreds of one dollar bills falling out of my dresser drawer. About 350 to be precise. Ryan was taken a back understandably, and I was startled because I hadn’t realized how wealthy I had become.

After explaining my well thought out and precise economic plan for my future, Ryan began to realize how genius it was. We then began to forge our new path towards wealth and glory, cashing in every coldie can and piece of street change we could find on the way.

Be very careful with this knowledge though. It can quickly turn to obsession, huge piles of cash, constant single counting, and high tensions and mistrust between roommates. If you don’t think this system is for you and you hate one-dollar bills, please shoot us an email and we will give you an address where you can send all your unwanted money. We’ll find it a good home.

-Andy